One date that will stick with me for the rest of my life is Monday 18th December 2023. This was the date that I attempted to take my life; the date I went into hospital; the day my life nearly ended; the day I survived.
I have been in hospital a year now. There is so much uncertainty for my future. I am still not physically healed and there is still a very long road ahead of me.
I have struggled with the fact that the date is coming round incredibly fast. The feelings I have around the fact I am still here to this day is a lot to comprehend. It is going to take a long time before I have overcome this and it will take a lot of therapy in order to work through it.
As much as I struggle with feeling as though I failed to end my life; I do have moments where I am grateful that I still have a chance at life again. I can see at times the progress I have made and that actually, even though, this period of my life is the worst experience I have ever had; I am in some ways doing better than I have previously.
I keep trying to remind myself of the achievements I have made this year, a lot of them seem small but I also have some bigger ones too.
I have gone from being in a 5 day long coma, to surviving sepsis, to managing to sit up on my own, started eating after being tube-fed, getting through many many surgeries, teaching myself how to walk again, getting shoes on after over 6 months, finding my love for reading, journaling, colouring, digital creating, blogging; I have also started University, I have started opening up to people around me and being honest with them. working with different teams, having scans and appointments when I broke down due to PTSD and initially refusing them.
There is so many small things looking back over the year and if I had succeeded in ending my life I would never have achieved them. I would never have realised the strength in me to carry on even when I just want to give up. I wouldn’t have my support network, I wouldn’t have a chance to make a difference to others.
I want to live but it’s hard to move past a traumatic event that has changed your whole life and injuries which have changed your body. It’s hard surviving suicide and at times I wish I was not here. I know with time it will get easier, when there is more certainty about the future. I have learned a lot about myself this last year, I have learned a lot about who my true friends are, I have started appreciating the smallest things; that i hadn’t noticed before.
I hope in time I can see the 18th December 2023 as the day my life started instead of the day I should have died. I know that I will but I know that it is not as easy as just changing the way you think.
To all the suicide survivors out there; I am so glad you’re still here. I am so proud of you for waking up everyday, I am so proud of you for continuing to live, even when you felt you wouldn’t. I want you to know that you are not alone, that there are people out there who can understand. I want you to know that you are loved; you are strong; you are someone’s whole entire world.
Jord x
Jordan Beaven 
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