Lately, I’ve been feeling incredibly low — so low that even the simplest parts of life feel impossible. I feel stuck, as though there’s no way out, like I’m trapped in a loop I never asked to be in.
The other day, someone told me I was “an inconvenience.” It hit me harder than I expected. It dragged me back to all the other times I’ve been told, or made to feel, that I am a burden. Those moments never really leave you. They pile up quietly until they’re too heavy to carry.
Right now, life feels exhausting. I wake up already counting down the hours until I can go back to bed. I’m stuck in a broken system — one that has failed me over and over again. It’s cruel to realise that the very people whose jobs are to help, care, and make things better have instead made me feel even more hopeless.
I’ve been in hospital for 20 months. Twenty months of restrictions, isolation, and feeling like I’m not truly living. It’s excruciatingly hard not to believe that prisoners have more freedom than I do. And the truth is, I’m tired — tired of this life, tired of this fight, tired of being told I’m “too complex” to fit neatly into their checklists.
Because I’m “too complex,” I don’t meet their criteria. I don’t fit into their boxes. And in a system that only knows how to work in boxes, people like me are left behind.
My anxiety is out of control. My depression has returned. My trauma is resurfacing. The mental pain is constant, and the physical pain only adds to the weight I’m carrying. I feel so detached from the world, as though I’m existing without actually living.
I know I will never be the same again. This whole ordeal has left scars on my life that I will carry forever. And I don’t want a life that’s permanently tainted by this pain.
I wish there was a way to find peace. I wish there was a way to find freedom. Right now, I’m just tired of existing — and I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending that this is okay.
I just hope that one day things will suddenly fall into place. I wish more than anything for that day to come.
If you are experiencing a Mental Health Crisis please reach out to people you trust or call a crisis line. You do not have to manage things alone.
UK – Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)
US – Call or text 988 or use webchat at 988lifeline.org
Australia – Lifeline: 13 11 14 (24/7)
All my love,
Jords x
Jordan Beaven 
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