Jordan Beaven

How do I keep going? I honestly do not have a clue.

I feel like I just turn a corner and within a short space of time I have been catapulted in the wrong direction falling with a thud and having to start all over again to try and get back to where I was but before I reach that point the catapult strikes again, over and over and over.

It feels I am drowning, I am unable to catch my breathe. Imagine you’re at war and you need to keep charging forward to the next base yet you are constantly a target with a need to retreat to a camp that is further back the way you came, you then begin feeling defeated and the thought about having to start again just leaves you without the ability to fight. You get tired doing this all the time.

My life is like a war. I keep getting up everyday but I have been shot at so many times that I am bleeding dry, The cycle is never ending, you get up still with open wounds and as soon as you take a step outside your shot back down. This is the feeling I have every single day.

I am in haze, I am losing too much blood, without blood you will die. I don’t get 5 minutes to regenerate my life. I don’t get 5 minutes to assess the situation, take a minute to plan a strategy of attack and then go full charge with my weapons tackling the enemy that comes my way. I don’t get any of that. I don’t get a moment to catch my breath and get my head back into the game.

A war inside your head is horrible, you don’t come back from that. I am tired, exhausted, absolutely blood drained. Attack comes after attack after attack.

I can’t seem to make a concrete attack plan because there are so many different Army’s I have to tackle. I am going to get one last gun shot one day and It feels as though it won’t be long before the adrenaline that pumps my blood comes to a halt.

Nobody can run on adrenaline, uncertainty and on empty forever so why am I expected too?

The war against my head is the hardest war I have ever had to face. I don’t want to be fighting for everyday of the rest of my life. I am running out of steam and the stress going on around me is causing my brain to blur, the sound on the inside of my head sounds like an old 1990’s static TV whilst you Change the video tape in the slot.

I do not want to be a solider anymore, I don’t feel strong, I don’t feel like I am a hero, I am not a survivor. I am broken, wounded, traumatised…so traumatised.

I have so many wounds there is no way I will ever be the same, I will never heal completely and that thought in myself destroys me. What did I do so wrong to have a life like this? Why was I forced to go to war against myself?

I try to keep going, I try to move forwards, I try protecting myself but my mind is at war against itself. How is one supposed to win that? Every single second of every single day having your ears ringing because the wounds are so loud that they just feel like loud noise exposure for days, sometimes weeks, months, years at a time.

It’s easier to give up because living a life when your at war with yourself is painful, and like rapid fire to at your soul. They say people are never the same when they come back from war and I feel as though I will be the same when and if this war will eventually come to an end.