Jordan Beaven

Something I have been lacking over the years is my Motivation to stick something out and carry on with it. Some people in my life will say that no matter how hard things get for me, I still continue to fight for my future anyway. Motivation is strange, I feel like half the time I do not actually have Motivation that drive me. However, I think that has now finally changed.

Monday 18th December 2023 the day I attempted to end my life. The day that my whole life changed and my outlook on life shifted. The day I was placed into an induced coma where I remained for five days. I then battled sepsis and had to quite literally sign my leg away for each surgery I went under General anaesthetic for. The trauma from the suicide attempt alone would have given me a Complex-PTSD diagnosis if it wasn’t for the many, many previous traumas that I have endured.

The days aren’t really the best and I can’t say for certain I am quite 100% happy about the fact I was saved with but I feel I am warming up to the idea that I can live a life and help other as I was helped at my most vulnerable state on the verge of deaths doors. Thanks to the Hampshire and Isle Of Weight Air Ambulance service, the 999 call handlers and paramedics and my whole medical team at the University Hospital Southampton from the second that phone call came in and I entered through those doors and some of the other medical professionals I have come across over the last year I know what my motivation is and I feel I know what it is I need to do. I think my experiences could change someone’s life for the better (or at least I hope so!).

I have applied for a place at The Open University (OU) to start a Certificate in Higher Education in Psychology starting on the 5th October 2024 (if student finance gets approved). This has been an idea that I have been toying with for a few years however the thought if Uni was scary and I was scared it would be another thing I would fail at, I mean I still do but now I think it is worth a good shot at it because really what exactly have I got left to lose?

I need to rebuild my entire life from scratch again since I am still currently a wheelchair user and whilst learning to walk has been difficult I know realistically I am never going to be the same again. My life needs to be rebuilt so I may as well rebuild a life I want to live and give myself a life upgrade than stay in situation I am unable to update any further.

I have struggled a lot recently, more so than I have in recent times. I know that is because on the 21st September I have a huge Trauma anniversary as it would have been a year since everything took a nose dive. The OU course has given me something to focus on shortly after that date and it is something that I want to do and that I want to work towards and I know it will be my ticket to starting to rebuild my life that quite literally erupted like a volcano overnight.

It has been a really challenging couple of weeks, as much as I am motivated to make a change to others lives, I’m struggling to accept I need the help myself. It’s ended up now being discussed if I need to have a Mental Health Act Assessment as I am in need of significant therapy. That thought of being back in a Psychiatric facility is setting off so much defiance, anger and absolute gut-wrenching fear. My head is doing somersaults, every time I think about it I feel I am going to throw up. My mind does a million miles an hour with all the thoughts rushing through my head like they are doing 100 metre races competent in the olympics.

but then I think…is this going to actually do anything good to me? Will it help me and that would help others, how can I help someone if I cannot help myself? Is this the ticket to having a future? Is this time going to be different? How much of my life will stay the same if I don’t go?

As much as the negative Olympian thoughts coming charging through my head, sounding like a heard of elephants, I sometimes get a glimmer of the “what if’s” in my head when the dust clouds start to settle. They never last long but I have so much time to think in the last week that they are coming up more frequently but Iam still too scared to admit I need help, I’m quick to scream it in crisis but when it is literally handed to me it’s like I cower and hide in the corner like a little chihuahua.

I feel this is decision I can’t make but then I think I would be an absolute idiot if I didn’t go and wanted to pursue a career in psychology. That maybe this time thing will be different and I actually will get the support and help I need. I honestly do not know what is best for me right now as there as so many factors to consider like my physical rehabilitation but I think we’ve reached a dead end with going any further with my rehabilitation for my physical injuries and the only way to get past that is to get mental health support where it is easily more accessed.

I need to remember my motivation, what is driving me to keep going. The thought of seeing others end up going through what I have and will continue to go through for sometime makes me freeze, makes me sick, makes me feel like I have this instant protection for those even if they are complete strangers.

What I have gone through, How many times I have been let down, the lies, the excuses, the trauma I have had to endure from a decade and over of being in the mental health system is just too great for me to allow that to happen to anyone else. I know I need to start working towards my degree, I know that this will give me more paths for my future, I know it is the start to rebuilding and creating a brand new life, I know deep down a psychiatric ward is possibly for the best but I know and my Autsim agrees that there needs to be a concrete plan, I need to know the ins and the outs of what to expect, where I am going, what happens with my physiotherapy, do I get to do the graded exposure and trauma therapy I should have started by now? Will housing be sorted? There are just far too many questions and information I need to gain before I can make an informed decision but I know that in order do start a Psychology degree I am going to have to do thing I want to rebel against, I know I need to do the scary stuff in order to access the peaceful stuff.

I think this concrete motivation is going to be what pulls me through, I know the change is necessary but my god it doesn’t make things easy.