I’m not a religious person and I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m spiritual but I do believe there is something out there. Something that makes sure you are looked after when it’s most needed.
I have struggled, since being on this rehab ward, being on the ward balcony since my suicide attempt. I couldn’t even be dared to think of sitting out there as it was such a anxious time but I eventually overcame that mostly with the mental health teams help, it was easier to sit with my back against the edge facing the wall and that’s how it was for a while, before being able to face the other way.
Until recently it became okay to be out here but when something happened on the ward leading me to feel I took 1,000 steps backwards it’s become a triggering place to be again, but I’m working on it.
That particular night has caused me to have flashbacks and worsened my nightmares and overall it’s been a shitty time getting the feelings due it stemming from my suicide attempt in December.
Although since the recent incident which has broken all of us on this ward there has been a robin that’s been around my feet & wheelchair whenever I have sat on the balcony since.
I’ve taken this little bird as a sign from that person that everything will be okay, that it is okay to turn back around to facing and looking out whilst I’m on the ward balcony.
That sign has really been what I needed as I’ve made some small steps in starting to be able to face the other way, so I’m not just staring at a brick wall. It’s been tough, so incredibly hard and mentally demanding but I have now done it twice in the last few days!
The first was over the weekend, it was just as it started to get dark, being out here on the dark is triggering enough anyway so I’m not quite sure what came over me other than I know it was seeing this robin every single day multiple times a day.
Anyway, I turned around and I made sure that I had a distraction so that I wasn’t necessarily needing to look out in front of me. So I read my kindle for a couple of minutes. I had to turn back around pretty quickly as I felt my chest was going to explode from the anxiety and I felt a flashback was going to make an obvious appearance. Either way I managed for a couple of minutes and I survived. I survived and nothing bad happened. I was safe. Just as the robin made me feel, that the person from that incident telling me that I will be okay and that I’m safe.
The distraction was key. The focus on something else so I didn’t need to look directly out there. My wheelchair pushed as far against the wall as I could as having my back firmly against something as far away from the edge as I could get made me feel more secure, safe and at reduced risk of harm.
It made it possible to achieve this because I had been wanting to turn around for a while but my anxiety was winning more often than not.
The second time I turned around was yesterday. I had support from the occupational therapist which made it easier as it felt a lot more difficult if I had done it on my own again. I did the same thing as at the weekend, keeping my wheelchair as far back against the wall as possible and having a distraction in front of me.
Pippa, the OT (my emotional support human) sat directly in front of me and close enough for all my focus to be on her. I couldn’t look up to look at her but she reassured me that I didn’t need to in order to talk to her. That in itself is a blessing as I feel the need to force eye contact which is just the most uncomfortable thing and I know it’s due to my autism that I find eye contact terrifying!
I felt as if I was starting to lose myself into a flashback and Pippa seemed to pick up on that, she asked if I wanted contact and held out her hands, I said yes and held her hand. She spoke to me calmly and kept telling me that I was safe, talking to me about my surroundings and how my wheelchair felt below me as I was sitting on it. This grounding technique really helped in that instance.
I did feel I had a flashback but I quickly came out of it just as fast as it happened thanks to the constant grounding talk from Pippa. She asked if I wanted to turn back around which I did and I got comfortable facing the wall again.
Pippa sat next to me and spoke to me making sure I was okay, asking how I was feeling, how I would describe how I felt on my emotions wheel and asking the intensity of how I felt.
It wasn’t to long having someone sat with me before I felt safe enough to be left on my own outside on the balcony again.
This all may seem silly to most and like it’s not a big deal. However surviving a suicide attempt in which you jumped from a height causes so much more psychological damage than before you attempted to take your life. The fear of those feelings flooding back is absolutely real and traumatic.
It seems like a small achievement but to me it’s huge! It’s the thought that I’m making progress to begin gaining a quality of life, starting to diminish the grip that Complex-PTSD has on me.
The small steps always seem the most treacherous and there’s so many small steps before you can take on the big leap.
That robin has been what gave me confidence and courage to say No! To my head and to follow what my heart wanted me to do.
Mental illness is so complex, us humans are very complex on our own. Throw the two into the mix and add Chronic illness & Neurodivergence into the mix and you somehow come out with a recipe of infinite ingredients and infinite steps to the method in order to bake the goods and it come out reasonably good.
Remember it is okay to not be okay! Reach out to someone if you’re struggling. Trust me it’s better to talk to someone than keep everything inside bubbling at the surface. ❤️
Jordan Beaven 
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